No Job For Me

Ok, so here lately I have been really, really concerned about my future. The job market may not be in the same shape it is in Detroit, but there aren't a lot of self esteem supporting jobs in Spearman, Tx right now either. I have been out of a job for about 10 months now, and I have to say that the first few months werent' too bad. I kept thinking 'I have time, don't worry about it'. Well, I did apply for a few jobs around here. I was nervous at first, but have done it several times now, and am no longer worried when I go in to apply. I already know they, not only aren't taking a serious look at me, but they aren't remembering me much after the fact either. Most of the time they don't even call you to let you know you failed the test of employability. I think it's rude to leave someone wondering, especially in these times, but they don't really seem to care much about what I think. So, anyway, it didn't take long to realize that the skills I possess were not in high demand around here, and I was going to have to develop a new set. I call my mother on a regular basis telling her my ideas, and concerns about work, training, school, money, experience, confidence and so many other issues, I am surprised she still answers the phone when I call. So it goes, I consider a new path daily, and here are some of the things I have had serious conversations with my mom about. (this really reminds me of one of those letters about the snow, and how beautiful it is, and then by the end of the season the letters have changed to near suicidal tendencies over one single flake falling) When I first found out I was going to be out of a job, I was somewhat relieved. The days had become menotinous at best, and my time at work was filled with dread about what problem might arise that I would have to solve, and I usually had no staff, no boss, or even many walk in customers to talk to. It was very lonely, and depressing to the point that I literally sighed when I walked out of the door for the final time. With all this sighing and relief I neglected to consider what I might do for a paycheck from that point on, but by that time the stone was struck. I considered buying the shop, revamping, and trying it on my own, but I could not find one person who was interested in working with or for me, that had even the most basic skills in the field. So, after a few weeks in limbo, I turned away from the idea, and began the slow mental decline that a person goes through when they know they are smart, and constructive, but have no outlet to plug it in to. I cleaned my house for a while. I mowed the grass regularly. I slept in later and later. I got a computer, and discovered myspace and facebook. I pet the dogs more, and saved cats from the depravity of the streets. I painted a room here and there. In other words, I languished. I wasted away. I soon began to take the notion seriously that I was going to have to find work, and get back into a non-vampirish schedule again, for the money, for my sanity, to get my husband off my back. I applied. I applied here, and nope. I applied there, and sorry. It wasn't but a few months before there wasn't anything to apply for, and I stopped, waiting for the stars to tell me where to turn. I considered nursing school, and even went to the school to check it out. They make it so damned confusing to even get into classes that it didn't take long to weed me out. I was looking for a reason to not do it, and prayed no one would be mad at me when I announced that I just didn't want to do that for a living. My family grumbled the familiar grumble of a family that knows they went wrong somewhere, but just isn't sure what to do about it. I considered going back to school for a degree in business or even GULP! teaching, but around here, which is where I will stay forever if I want to stay married, there isn't a lot of high falutin jobs to use a business degree on, and I hate small children. (well, not hate, but I would kill myself if I was trapped in a room with them for any long period of time) And time dragged on. I did some odd jobs for friends, painting, and stuff like that, and applied for a job or two. Nothing. I thought of ten gazillion business I thought would be fun, but lacked courage, confidence, and financial freedom to test them out. Here is a list of things that have run through my head in the past several months:Simple sandwich shop (kind of like subway)window painting (like art work for holidays, sales, etc.)Ebay service and pack and ship (like on 40 year old virgin)Pawn ShopCleaning Service (organized service, with teams)Screen Printing shopI thought about dog grooming schoolI thought about nursing schoolI thought about refinishing furnitureI thought about cosmetologyNow, here I am, without any more experience than I had the day I left work for the last time, and I have made no progress towards any of these things. I don't even know if I could do any of these things. I called my mother the other day in a panic to learn how to use secretarial computer programs, just in case. I never thought much about cutting hair because I have friends that do that, and it seemed like stepping on toes, and my mom says, thanks mom, she can see me cleaning someone's house before she can see me cutting their hair. I don't know what in the world to do, but I know it has got to happen pretty fast. I am starting to feel pressured to get on with something, and I know I should, pressure or not. I took a small business cleaning job the other day to earn a few extra bucks, and get me out of the house for a day a week, and today called the lady at the crisis center and volunteered my time to work in the store selling other people's stuff they no longer want to poor people. Isn't there an answer for me? Why? What is wrong with me, that I can't get a secretarial position, or move on to something else and just go for it? I am such a frightened little mouse. Lord guide me, or friends, I don't care, just somebody guide me.