Red Dog Poo and Gray Car Interior

Good Valentine's to all of my myspace friends! Time for a funny? Laugh at my expense, like usual, it's ok. On Wednesday of this week, my Uncle who lives in Perryton 30 miles from my home asked me to do him a big favor and pick his dog up from the vet and bring her home because she had already spent one unnecessary night there, and he was not going to have time for her that day either. He was going to pay me an undisclosed sum of money to do this for him, and I accepted. I had never met this little dog, and was nervous about her trying to get away from me or something, so when I picked her up (along with a box of heart worm pills and some instructions) I did not let her run around before I loaded her into my gray interior auto. I put her in the back, and closed the hatch. She was very still, and laid right down on the giant empty feed sack I had used as a floor guard should she puke or something. Off we went. 30 miles, not far. We had travelled approximately 10 or 15 miles when I smelled a dog fart, no, not a fart, worse! I wheeled into a lease road ASAP, and ran to the back of my car to survey the scene. When I opened the door, she jumped out, and what I saw all over the gray carpet, and not even a little on the sack, was a whole bunch of bad stuff the color of this blog! Remember, gray carpet. I just kind of ignored the poor dog, who was convinced a whipping was coming in her future. I ran back to the console to get the Kleenex and baby wipes I keep for tiny spills or runny noses, and went back to try to do something about the mess. I flung Kleenex all over that road, and only got the top layer, or what I could actually pick up, which wasn't much. I had it on me, and had to clean up my own self before moving on. The dog was not wanting to load back up, and I am sure thought I was going to whip her good, but after trying for a while, she finally came to me, and I put her back on the UNUSED sack for the rest of the trip. I was nearly in tears the rest of the way, but dropped her off and raced to the local Alco Discount store to get some products. I was in a real hurry. I was on the clock. This color could do permanent damage, and I knew time was of the essence. The first guy in line at the check out had only a few items, but the lady checking out was not in any kind of a hurry, and actually appeared to be reading the labels on his stuff before she scanned them. He paid with a debit. Well, wouldn't you know it, the freaking card machine would not read it. She needed assistance from a super genius person about 30 feet away, and this lady was not in a hurry either. I am close to panic. She finally moseys over, and it won't work. The guy is just standing there, and they are looking at him like what should we do, and he is knowing my eyes are two people back burning holes in his stupid credit card. Suddenly, the machine came to life, and out whizzed a receipt, and off he went, 15 minutes later. Febreeze is heavy in bulk. Then the next lady right in front of me steps up to bat. She has a few things, and again the lady appears to CHECK out the stuff. When the last beep had gone off, the lady writes out a check, slowly, and hands it over. Nope. They need to see an ID, and she doesn't have it on her. OK, I am about to blow! Flippin' retard, who tries to write a check these days without an ID? She is going to have to go home to get it. In all this time, the little scummy group manager lady has not offered to help one soul on that store with their goods, and I could have used it, would have paid extra! Well, I am thinking they are going to have everyone wait for this dumb dumb to go to her house, but she finally asks Group manager lady, with 6 plastic children's hair clips in her ugly hair, to come help her clear the register. She looks like that lady on Throw Momma From the Train and Goonies. Anyway, I had been standing in line now for 30 minutes, or close to it with: 1 jug of Cheer detergent, 1 large bottle of Woolite pet stain remover, 2 cans of Febreeze air effects, 1 spray bottle of Extra strength febreeze for fabric, and one large box of Sham Wows. My hands were breaking, and my heart was breaking with the thought of the permanent orange stains I knew I could not live with. She finally cleared out the register, and said "Sorry". She read my stuff too, and I paid IN CASH, $42, and left in a hurry. I drove to my dad's house and began the gruesome task. It was awful. I scrubbed, and cussed, and used those ShamWows. They really do work. That pet stain stuff was pretty good too, under the circumstances. After about an hour or so, I was as satisfied as I was going to get. I drove home and recapped my day in my mind. You know, I never ask how much. Never. It never occurred to me to ask my uncle how much he was going to pay me. He was family, no sweat, right? No good deed ever goes unpunished. Lesson learned. Always put a large and not special blanket down for a dog fresh from the vet, and always let them run around a bit before loading them. I know dogs, and I failed this test. People, pay attention, BLANKET-RUN AROUND. Got it? thanks for reading. Til next time.

Got Milk?

We drink a lot of milk. It usually sends us racing to the convenience store a couple of times a week for a replacement jug. Tonight I had to make a run. I went in and got one from the back of the shelf (you know it's the freshest) and proceeded to check out. I talked to a couple of people, and left. I got home, and put it away, and then it dawned on me. A little fresh air wafted up my backside, and I remembered then that I had a hole in the butt of my jeans. Well, damn. That is not too embarrassing, but then I went into the bathroom to pick up my son's dirty clothes, and glanced in the mirror. I had eaten a well crusted steak earlier, and the remnants of the pepper crust were smashed into the crevices of three or four of my front teeth. Well, my God! Could this evening get worse? Uh, yah! We were settling in to watch a show, and my son noticed a little wet something on one of the blankets we have on the couch. I looked it over, and decided it was dog throw up. I took the blanket to the wash, which sucks because I still don't have a dryer, and am having to hang my clothes out on the dog pen fence. (I was not raised like this, I swear) My old dryer is conveniently parked in my back yard for now, or 10 months from now, and the new one I got didn't work. Anyway, we looked at one of the other two blankets to see if it too was soiled with used puppy chow, and wouldn't you know it, it was. Off to the laundry with that on too. Only one blanket left. We checked it over, and of course, there it was, dog puke. This laundry thing is about to get me down. This morning I went out to get the clothes off the line (dog pen will from here on out be referred to as the line) and the 50 mph wind had scattered most of them all around the yard and inside the dog pen, so I had to rewash. Towels are crispy when hung out to dry too. Socks do not do well with staying hooked on the chain link, and I have absent mindedly hung my bras and panties in full view of the street more than once. I have a full time job around here taking care of the little messes my husband and son make, 3 dogs, 1 needy cat, and a new completely blind cat that turned up on our back porch two nights ago. That cat's name is Ray. (Ray Charles) Between dog throw up, doo doo stains, crunchy towels, handicapped animals, and the regular stuff, I am starting to think of that old Calgon commercial. Do they still make that stuff? I also caught the corner of my cheer box when I was piling puke blankets in the laundry room, and spilled the entire contents on the floor. I still have a hole in my jeans, don't care, I did get the pepper out of my teeth, much too late, cleaned up the 10 pounds of doggy throw, and I am thinking it is time for bed. But guess what! I got milk for my cereal in the morning. Damn, you know what I don't have? Cereal.